First of all, no time. I work 7 full days a week. Secondly, no swimming pool. I don’t think I enjoy swimming when I need to rush in traffic.

I’m not giving excuses because I don’t have time for decent hours of sleep, no time to clean up my stuff or my room even. My days consists of waking up, work, eat and sleep. I long for holidays which I don’t get to have until the end of year. Even then, I have to give priority to my mother because she needs it more than me.

We work hard because we need the money. If you’ve been in contact with sick people before, many are not given the best that they can have but we gave the best for my dad all the time. Spending money is one thing but being there can be depressing. My mother and I, we can never travel together. Someone must be home and it is either me or her. Forget about my siblings.

To the parents out there, when your children are successful and making big bucks, they won’t be here to take care of you. Just remember that. If you’re so lucky like my parents, that means one of your children is sacrificing his/her own life for you.

Some of you might say why not find a man and get married? It’s not that easy. Who does not want someone who has everything? Others have their own problems and difficulties too. I guess my life is not made to be that ordinary and simple.

I cannot complaint because they’re my parents, I have a job, we live in a nice house and we can afford what we need.

For me, I am looking forward to the day when I can live my own live, free of the weight I’m carrying with me now.

It is exhausting. I totally suck in the water. Many hundred years ago my parents sent me to one of those group swimming class in a public pool. There I was forced to do what I have no confidence in doing. I remembered attending classes without practicing. We are not like the children today whom the parents drive them from one class to another. Besides, how can we practice without a pool?

Secondly, my sister was learning together at the same time. Double the cost!! In the end, I learned nothing and had not been swimming for the past 20 years. I have not a clue where to start.

Honestly, I often get negative comments from my family if I want to do something new. For example taking swimming lessons and keeping the hair longer. You know what? I am giving up on the hair. Will get a hair cut on Sunday and I can stop listening to someone asking me “when are you going to get a hair cut?” I don’t quite like my hair long either. Not in this weather. So I made the decision to have it cut. I don’t blame them for being sceptical about swimming class because I found the instructor via internet, I have not met him and I’m suppose to go to the condo on Sunday morning when most people prefer to stay in bed. Although I never get to stay in bed on any day for years.

What makes me want to learn swimming? I have enough of gym memberships and none of the gym can offer me what I want. I can only attend one or two classes and the timetable doesn’t suit me. I hate working with machines so it is a total waste of money. But I need to exercise and hope to be able to do the same exercises when I’m old. No pain in the joints whatever. So swimming is the best.

I believe E J is a good instructor. I hope this works for me because I totally hate the energy wasting, breathless and muscle sore kind of swimming. Is there such a thing?

…. 3 Hours Later

I smsed E J told him I would like to postpone the class to Monday evening. I was in some panic attacked mode, I need someone to go with me for me to feel some comfort. So I asked the bf. Unfortunately, he has a beach wedding to shoot this weekend but he will take me to class on Monday.

I wonder if he is allowed to use the pool and swim? Otherwise he will be so bored waiting for me in the night smoking cigarettes.

This is how much fear I have. I have no idea how to get through this. I feel like crying… but I must overcome this. I am telling myself, no more looking up information or even think about swimming for the weekend. Just keep myself busy with the classes and soon it will be Monday… probably a day of nerve wrecking in the office.