1. Total silence in office. Talking less than 10 sentences a day to anyone.

Remark : If I can leave this job I will. On the other hand I also cannot stand colleagues who brag and chit chat on the phone all day long. Especially women who like to talk about what their bfs or husbands do etc. “I want to go travel”, “ask your bf to buy ticket for you lah”, “dunno where to go”, “last night I went….” etc.

Having facebook alone is bad enough. I see these women without having to actually face them. So I cannot imagine having people like that in the office.

2. Go home to total silence again, but I hear my mother’s scream in my head.

Remark : The home is also a silence place with no one to talk to most of the time. But then, I can almost always hear my mother screaming at my dad. I am traumatized by the whole thing and I hear her in my head.

I need to have my own home, a loving home.

3. Unable to feel love.

Remark : I don’t know what and how people love each other. When I say my bf doesn’t love me, he becomes angry but in reality I don’t feel loved. I feel abandoned most of the days. Even when he is with me, I cannot feel that we are being anywhere close. Eat, TV, Movies and nothing else. Hardly have a heart to heart talk and no discussion about future.

I need to feel love. I feel like giving up. Someone please tell me this is not love, a guy who truly treasures the girl is not like that. Isn’t love suppose be sweet, loving, dependable and makes one feel secured.

Maybe they are keeping it for Earth Day which is just 2 days away. ~_~

Last weekend I was sweating none stop while teaching my classes. I think I was dehydrated at one point. I did not use the toilet for almost half a day. No matter how much I fluid I try to put into my body, some how it didn’t feel normal when I went to relieve myself.

Anyway, the bf had to work on Saturday night. I was left alone at home, eventhough there are people in the house. My home is always empty and quiet after dinner. Most of the time I will be only one in the hall watching TV alone. There was not much on Astro, I ended up watching Resident Evil. Didn’t like the ending though.

Sunday was ordinary as usual. I didn’t do anything special. When i say “special” I don’t mean I will be going to some place fancy or receive some expensive gifts. To me, having breakfast with the bf, or he brings me some lunch, or we go to see an exhibition, or we sit down in a nice cafe just to chat etc… anything that makes my Sunday different from what I normally have is special.

Does it require him a lot of effort do that? Do we need millions and dollars in order to do that?

Can I not be upset when he prefers to sleep and forget about me most of the time?

Last night, we didn’t even have a decent time together. It is the same most of the time. We don’t know where we’re heading and we only see shops closing after a full-day of business.

Does he know how much I missed the book store in KLCC? How I used to visit the cafe up in the loft and enjoy the park’s view? Did he find out what I like? Did he bother to ask without getting annoyed in the first place?

Do I have to put up with this?

Nothing much happened during the weekend. I did not make it to the balloon thingy. Hinted to the bf that I blogged about it but he did not even mention anything about my blog.

I am not whining because he did not take me to see balloons. Why the lack of response? Did he read my blog at all? We did spend some time together last Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is so sad.

This is precisely the reason why I often feel lonely eventhough he is with me sometimes. Most of the time he is not interested in anything I do. He is only interested in what he wants to do and the things he likes. So I don’t get to do the things I like with him.

Last night I made a mango cake because we bought quite a lot of mangos from the night market. Sorry for the lack of photos. I was so tired last night that I forgot to take a nice picture of it.

The cake turned out good except for the lack of mango taste. This is only natural because I did not use any artificial flavouring.
Next I shall try to make a durian cake.

This evening I will be going for my interview. Somehow I do not wish to get this job now because I saw something even better. Something I want so badly.

Anyone working in a famous concert hall in KL?

I will work on my resume tonight and send it out tomorrow.

Wish me luck. Lots and lots of luck! I need this. I need a brand new place and a brand new working life.

Initially I wanted to get the Wantan Mee nearby my house but it was sold out by 6.30pm. In the end I settled for Fried Kuey Teow from another coffee shop. It was yucky. I will never buy from there again.

I related this incident to my bf. When he came over later, we went out to dinner because he hadn’t eaten.

We have problem deciding where to eat most of the time. There is a lot of places to eat and I always have places I want to go. As a gf I need to be understanding. I don’t want us to spend too much by going to restaurants.

Sometimes the guy is too hungry to drive anywhere further. He gets irritated and drives madly when he is hungry Most of the time I will settle for something I don’t really want to eat. It’s OK for me as long as the food is not too bad.

Last Saturday I got very mad because the bf ordered Fried Kuey Teow (with extra prawns and chili) and Fried Radish Cake. They taste the same to me and I had a shitty Fried Kuey Teow earlier.

Do I want to eat it again? I know the one he ordered tastes better but I don’t want to eat another Fried Kuey Teow again. I was also mad when he asked for extra prawns because it is not healthy, not to mention the food is oily.

The bf had been telling me he wants to lose weight. He smokes and he is over weight, I’m very concern about his health. I just want him to watch what he eats since I cannot make him quit smoking or exercise.

He didn’t get what I mean and kept saying there is nothing to eat there. So it became my fault that we were there. I got very upset.

After I got upset and refuse to eat, my bf then suggested we take a drive down to KL. I appreciate his effort but that wasn’t what I meant by being in town. Sitting in the car?

If I could leave the house I would have gone to KLCC for shopping and meet him for dinner. We could dine in CPK or Jogoya and have a fabulous time. I told him how I wish I could do that but I couldn’t due to my home situation. I didn’t say I want to drive around in KL.

I would be happy if we could just stop somewhere, sit down, walk a bit, have a drink and enjoy the atmosphere. I had been working the whole day. All I want is some quiet time with the person I love, have good conversations and not sitting with someone who is constantly looking at TV or playing with his phone everytime when there is TV and wi-fi available in eateries.

Please share your comments.

Last night I managed to settle some payment via Maybank2u. I also sorted out some bills which were sitting in my bag from last month and threw away some unwanted papers. This morning I settled the transfers for the payment I made on my mom’s behalf.

There was once I felt so moody (something to do with the bf as well), I forgot about my credit card bill. The bill did not arrive and I was so caught up with my own emotions I totally forgot about it until the bank called me.

I told the officer that the bill did not arrived. She said I am suppose to remember what’s my due date every month… like I got so much time to remember all my accounts and dates lah! The bill is my reminder and I never owe the bank a single cent k? … WTF. She said she will waived my late payment fees, but I still got penalised on my Dell computer easy payment.

Last week I got a call from the bank again. This time I got penalised for an overdraft on my current account… WTF. I have enough funds in my savings, why is there no auto transfer when the fund is low?  The contractor whom my mom gave the cheque to banked in the cheque immediately. I could not do a transfer sooner because the Maybank2u website was so slow, even my office’s fibre network cannot open the site.

I had to use an ATM machine to do the transfer instead. This time I lost RM50.

It’s a lot of money k? The bank is not giving that much interest for my funds with them also and they further decreased the interest rate. Honestly, I hate banks and the bankers. These people still want to ask for 30% salary increase. What do they do? They just sit there and work like the rest of us wat. They don’t contribute to generating more money for customers.

Well, I don’t want to comment further. I am in a good mood today… so far.

I am following quite a number of blogs. One of them belongs to a guy who is already working and loves to eat. From his entries, I got to know his love for younger girls. His ex and current gf are both still college students.

Can you imagine the glamour of having a working bf while still in college? The girl gets to wine and dine, receive pretty presents, gets to be chauffeured around etc. If I put myself in the girl’s age and situation, I will be feeling on top of my world eh?! I will do anything for my bf, including staying and sleeping with him while my parents pay for my education.

The bat-gua part is that this guy’s ex is studying overseas. She’s kind of cute and pretty too. They broke up a few months back. How did I know? He used to link the ex with special name. Something like “my dear….”. If you start putting a lot of things on your blog, don’t expect people to not know.

Recently this guy blogged about his overseas holiday with the current gf. He brought the girl to stay in some nice boutique hotel, took her shopping, dining and sight-seeing. I don’t remember him being so generous with the ex you see?

Out of the sudden, the ex announced she is closing down her blog. She does not want to share anything about herself with anyone, anymore. The guy also removed her link from his blog.

Kind of reminded me of a book I’m currently reading – “Why Am I Always the One Before ‘the One’?” Some girls trained the bf well only to have him taken by someone else.

The moral of the story is do not make your private life too public. You might hurt someone and people will think that you’re a xxxhole who plays around with young girls and chuck them.

I hope the princess and his bf team learn something here. MUAHAHA… this is another story lah.

These are people who spend a lot of time blogging. They like to camwhore  or will never fail to take pictures anytime, anywhere.

What I read from these blogs are the boyfriends will be so sweet, so nice and they have so much time to spend together, hanging out, cooking for each other, waking up next to each other, have breakfast, shopping, go to bookshop, go holiday and stay in some boutique hotel etc.

What if I tell you I had done maybe 5% of those things with my boyfriend?  I wonder what is wrong? These people are at least 8-10 years younger than me. How come they get all the time in the world? How come they have nothing to do at home? How come I have to work so hard and yet don’t make enough?

Sure I would like to have more pictures too but I find it quite troublesome to bring a camera. I also need more money to get a nice phone with good camera feature. My bf is a professional photographer. Isn’t weird that I do not have any nice pictures to put on my blog? In fact he doesn’t like to take pictures whenever we are together. Why?

Maybe I should stop reading those blogs. They make me very depress.

Love is all about patience and compromise, and these are difficult things to learn, and understandably so.

I got a huge teddy bear. The biggest I ever gotten before. Somehow it looks like Greg. I hug it to sleep at night, seeking comfort from it after shedding a few tears.

On Valentine’s day, I was working as usual during the day. Instead of feeling full of love and looking forward to the night, I was near to having a nervous breakdown.

Greg and I had simple seafood dinner at a neighbourhood restaurant. I knew he works hard and has other obligations. I didn’t want him to spend so much. After dinner we went to do what we’ve planned. Was it a plan? Maybe I over estimated myself, I tried too hard.

Why?

I wanted my bf to stay with me but I am not so sure if this will be true anymore.

The guy tells me I have problems and there is something wrong with me. He blames me for my inexperience. I am constantly being reminded of what he is not getting from me, how this will affect our relationship, how my bf or future husband has to find some other women to satisfy his needs etc. Without this, we are no different from normal friends.

I need someone who will support and encourage me with love. I don’t need to be condemn for my lack of experience. I find that I have little support from someone whom I have come to love so much. Instead, he gave me a death sentence there and then.

Does he know that this is causing me emotional pain? What about future plans? What about things we’re going to do one day? Where are we heading? What am I to him? I didn’t ask or demand this from him. I don’t want to be pushy. I understand all this has to come naturally but a girl needs to know she is loved, treasured and as a couple they’re working towards a shared future.

If I am looking for fun or a fling, will I care so much about someone? I probably won’t love someone for who he is. I only need him to satisfy all my wants and needs.

Yeah, he is just a bf, not my husband. He does not need to promise me anything. He does not need to know the future and definitely does not need to stay or help both of us learn about each other emotionally and physically. This is NOT true.

Why do I love so much? Why was I willing to get myself hurt, hoping he will love me more? I feel more alone than ever before.