As an individual I am OK. Being at home 7 days a week, 365 days a year is suffocating for me. I know it is bad for me to say this. But I am doing my best all the time, trying to accommodate my parents and sibling living under the same roof. However, the constant noise and stress created by my parents and the maid is driving me nuts.

My solution to solving problem is simple. Just get rid of what is causing all this bad vibes. It doesn’t work in this situation. Either I get rid of the maid and do all the work by myself, or I get myself out of the house.

How many people still live at home at my age? I think I have done a lot for the family considering I have given up a lot of “enjoy myself time” for the most important part of my life as a young person.

This month has been crazy. I was in Cameron Highlands last week and this Wednesday I am flying off to Yogyakarta.

Cameron Highlands is awesome. I love BOH at Sg Palas. I wish I can live there, minus all the flies.

I’m looking forward to visit Borobudur now.

All I want is to go back to a peaceful home each day, go to holidays with a happy heart, go after my dreams without anyone holding me back.

So much has been going on, from Christmas to New year, then Chinese New Year. Speaking of which, I have not downloaded photos taken during CNY from the camera yet.

We have a big gathering in KL this year where many of our relatives came by. I was swamped by family duties, from booking the hotel rooms, dinner and catering for another dinner at home.

Shortly after, it was back to work and followed by my dad’s surgery. Some unhappy news from my sis is also bothering me.

Dad is still at the hospital. Mom had been there since Monday. I had been running in and out delivering food and clothes for them.

I’m tired… but I cannot complaint because my mother is over 60 years old and she has to stay at the hospital all day.

Sigh.

First of all, no time. I work 7 full days a week. Secondly, no swimming pool. I don’t think I enjoy swimming when I need to rush in traffic.

I’m not giving excuses because I don’t have time for decent hours of sleep, no time to clean up my stuff or my room even. My days consists of waking up, work, eat and sleep. I long for holidays which I don’t get to have until the end of year. Even then, I have to give priority to my mother because she needs it more than me.

We work hard because we need the money. If you’ve been in contact with sick people before, many are not given the best that they can have but we gave the best for my dad all the time. Spending money is one thing but being there can be depressing. My mother and I, we can never travel together. Someone must be home and it is either me or her. Forget about my siblings.

To the parents out there, when your children are successful and making big bucks, they won’t be here to take care of you. Just remember that. If you’re so lucky like my parents, that means one of your children is sacrificing his/her own life for you.

Some of you might say why not find a man and get married? It’s not that easy. Who does not want someone who has everything? Others have their own problems and difficulties too. I guess my life is not made to be that ordinary and simple.

I cannot complaint because they’re my parents, I have a job, we live in a nice house and we can afford what we need.

For me, I am looking forward to the day when I can live my own live, free of the weight I’m carrying with me now.

My flu is clearing up. I’m happy and can’t wait to get back to my old self. I still eat like normal. Some how my appetite is not affected.

Back to the story of waking up late. My mother told me I shouldn’t sleep so late on weekdays. OK, I was out for a drink with my bf but I came back at 11.10pm. Slept at 12am maybe because I was reading.

I want to tell my dear mummy her daughter never gets to wake up late, not even on weekends. Does she realise what she said hurt my feelings? Most people gets to sleep in on weekends, but I have to help my mother with her classes which starts at 9am on Saturday. Every Sunday, I go to the market with my mother before 9am. So when do I get to stay in bed longer?

Does it mean I cannot go out every night? I cannot spend time with who I want to be with? Everyday I work and work. I am tired and I need my sleep. Waking up late is no big deal when I had been waking up without fail everyday for years. I was not even late to work this morning.

This is why I feel that I will get some kind of sickness one day because I have to work so much. Nobody works like I do mom and I am doing this for you also. Please remember this.

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Something exploded in me. How long more must I endure all the bad energy at home? I so hate to see or talk to some people at home.

Something went very wrong with my upbringing at home. Who taught us all the good values since young? I did learn and I think only the stupid one will learn and be good. The smarter ones don’t give a damn. All they care is about themselves.

F*** u. Do lightning still shoot on bad people?

Anyway, I was told that the location and design of one’s ancestors grave is suppose to bring good luck to future generations. I used to think and I still hope to believe that if we go and pay our respect dutifully, our my grandparents will look upon us.

Somehow, the things I experience at work and at home don’t seem to be a result of my hardwork on carrying out my duties. Why? Because some people who do nothing for the home and family got everything that a person with a good life has.

Do I still care about carrying out my duty for the home and family? I do it for my own concious sake and I still want to believe good things will happen to me. However, there is one thing beyond my grasp. Do my elders love me? Are they bias and love some golden child more like they used to be when they were alive?

Some things don’t change even when people had already passed on do they?

What happen to punishments? What happen when someone is not doing a good deed, has no respect for others and being dishonest?

Can I still keep on believing and praying?