Sometimes I admire girls who look pretty and feminine. They seem like the ones who have things going their way. Well, most of the things.

When they were young, they probably had long hair decorated with ribbons, braided and combed by their moms. These girls normally have quite a lot of pretty dresses too.

Then they grow up to be like a woman woman.

I’m the total opposite. My mother believes in short hair because it is easy to manage and won’t use up too much shampoo. I had short hair all my life until recently. My hair is growing slightly longer now for someone dear to me. However, I get nightmares where my mom told me to get a hair cut and my brother brought scissors for cutting my hair.

Reality? My mom asked me if I’m trying to keep my hair long. I didn’t know how to answer that.  I just told her I don’t have time to get a hair cut yet. I wish my dearest was here to answer her.

When I was young, I wore mostly t-shirts and shorts. I can remember what I wore on Children’s Day when I was in primary school. It was horrible. I will not dress my child that way in future.

The short hair episodes carried on well into my teenage years. It was rather cool to have short hair in a girls’ school. Little did I know I am turning myself into a girl who gets little or no love from the people around me.

Guys chose my friends instead of me and I didn’t have girl friends whom I can share girlish giggles with. I was not allowed to attend parties, join the school tour, sharing rides with friends etc. All because we didn’t have extra money for socializing, it was troublesome to be involved in this kind of thing.

Today I will ask why? How did I become like this? It wasn’t what I want and I was stupid to not know what the real world is like. I thought every single thing I did is right. I was proud of myself until now. I feel like I am such a loser. Studying hard, getting As and going to good school is not doing me much today.

I remembered turning against my mom sometimes but would always ended up getting scolded by her. For a young girl, it was no joke being told she is trying to be flirtatious. As the years past, I have given up trying. I want a peaceful life rather than causing problems at home. We have enough problems at home already. A daughter is expected to do her duties as daughter.

Deep down, I really need a pillar. Someone whom I can lean on for support. There is a girl who is trapped inside me, crying out for love.